Curses upon QA Analyst

What!! I told him thrice to get rid of this line... How on Earth can i make him understand??


My mind was racing at 120 mph...My temper reaching to a limit of 220 degree Fahrenheit (i was a volcano, about to erupt).
Sometimes, i think they do this on purpose...just to annoy me...make my life more miserable
& why
Because i find mistakes with their work.

Yes, i am a QA Analyst!!
I don't know why i ended up being one...well no, i think it was what i always wanted to be...but this was not how i imagined life (it was a fairytale).

Back when i was a student, i used to hear so much about QA vs. Developers & i used to think that i won't follow their footsteps...i'll be nice to everyone...& friendly...my development team won't hate me...they'd love the way i'll help them...i'll deal with the issues nicely......(blah!! blah!! big dreams)

But once i began my work, i found that when they say "Life is not a Bed of Roses" they really LITERALLY mean it. No doubt i enjoy my work, but it can get on your nerves when you have to check the same thing for over a thousand times (not really thousand, but you feel like it's that much).

Let's take my current situation for example, this developer...i don't know what language he understands....i asked him to remove a line, a single line from a page...once...twice...thrice...but he, somehow, keeps on forgetting. I've tried everything, reminders, messages, to-dos, alarms...nothing can make him remember (i even thought about tying a string to his finger..or maybe around his neck so he remembers it with every single breath he takes).

And this other project, is nothing but a nightmare (that i encounter during the day). I found a particular mistake, i highlighted it on one the pages and asked it to be modified, assuming that all the other pages will be corrected too...but the next time i re-checked it, i realized that maybe i was expecting the other person to be a bit too much intelligent to figure out my assumption on his own.

So, here i am checking & re-checking & re-checking again for the same things I've checked a million times before & I've pointed a billion times before..
But
All i get in return is not the corrections but curses from the developers for not appreciating their days of hard work and finding lists and lists of errors and bugs and mistakes and faults!!
They can never see the days of hard work I've spent to make their days of hard work look and function perfectly.....

My Incomplete Code...

It all began on a stormy night. I was alone in the house...my house...dark house (there was a power failure). Sitting by the window, staring out at the falling drops of water...the sky was crying (yeah, it was raining). Every now & then there would be a lightening flash, casting terrifying shadows over the streets & my window pane. The wind WHOOSHed & SWISHed against the pane as if trying to get in the room forcefully.

KNOCK!! KNOCK!! a tree bark tapped on the window. I ignored
KNOCK!! KNOCK!! it tapped again & again & again

KNOCK!! KNOCK!! KNOCK!! KNOCK!! KNOCK!! KNOCK!!

Aargh!! i moved forward & opened the window clutch.

WHAM!! the panes blew & crashed against the sides.
A strong gush of wind went through me & SLAM!! the room's door was slammed shut. Within a second, my face was covered in little cold droplets of water carried by the strong winds. I felt a cold shiver run down my spine.

I laid back in my bed, staring out at the grey wild cloud-lets (little bits of clouds) skiing across the black background. The wind playing with my hair...rain droplets trickling down my face every now & then...i closed my eyes.

CREAK!! went the flooring of my room.
There's nobody in the house except me, who's walking around, questioned my mind. I opened my eyes & sat up. No one!!
Well, that's strange...i heard someone for sure.

I turned my head to the right & my eyes were dazzled by a sudden light...my laptop screen. I turned it off...didn't i?? Yes i did...who could possibly turn it on?? Are my folks back??
I called out to my younger brother...*silence*
I called louder...*silence*
Nope, he ain't back yet...then who??

I got up & walked to the laptop desk. My project file was open (the one i was ignoring working on for so many days now). But strangely, the code was removed. It was a blank page staring back at me.
Ctrl+Z Ctrl+Z...nothing happened
Oh please don't tell me...all my work...my hard work...my efforts...how could this be...who could have done this...it was here...i wrote it...what could have gone wrong......

SLAM!! went the open window pane.
I rushed over to the window. The culprit must have entered from the open window. I tried to look through the heavy rain for a moving figure somewhere outside...nothing.
That could mean only one thing...i was not alone in the house any more...whoever did that to my code was still inside.

I closed the window & looked around for some kind of defense weapon to hold on to (if someone was daring enough to destroy my project, he could for sure be on a mission to destroy me too). I found my brother's baseball bat & thought it would do for now.

Carefully, i moved across the room, opened the door & peered out in the gloomy corridor. It was hard to see even, how can someone walk through it??

I was gathering courage to go out of the room when CREAK!! went the floor behind me. Suddenly, it dawned upon me, if the person would have moved out, i would have heard the door getting open...means that he was still in the room & (CRASH!! another lightning strike made shadows on the corridor wall) was most probably standing right behind me.

I closed my eyes, said a silent prayer, turned & smacked the bat with all my might on the person. My bat sliced thin air only. Surprised, i opened my eyes & WOAHHH!! i nearly had a heart attack.

An alien...green...slimy...blubbery...
& wait, what's this...
Oh My GOD!! This can't be...it had a skin made out of my code...
My code has become alive
I opened my mouth to shout & 2 long tentacles made out of for loop covered my mouth & then my throat...choking me...
I was losing conscious...
Fainting...
Need...
to.....
get...
free..
of...
the......
code
.......................
& i died!!

(What?? My incomplete code killed me without any trace for the police to find the murderer...that's it...end of story...go complete your incomplete codes before you end up being deprived of your life from their hands)

When all was lost...

It had been 12 hours now & i still had no clue as to what the problem was. I've checked every possible detail but could not find anything wrong...yet, there was something wrong.

When i started my work today, i had no idea i would be stuck over this; i had planned way ahead of this. I just had a cup of tea in the morning, thinking i'll have an early lunch but it was almost dinner time now & i hadn't eaten a bite all day long. My stomach was, instead, occupied with knots...anxiety knots.

What could have possibly gone wrong?? I had worked very carefully (was i that much sleepy last night to goof something up...no i don't think so...i was up for only 62 hours then...not a big deal).

I checked
& thought
& searched
& re-checked
& re-thought
& re-searched
but in vain...

Lord!! Help me pleeeeease...
My mind was an about-to-erupt-volcano (when you put in too much...it eventually comes out)
My eyes were ready to pop out of the sockets (i was literally licking the screen with my eye balls)
My index finger was about to be divided by 2 (scrolling the mouse up & down...it felt like i could never move my finger again)
My neck was about to CREAK!! & CRACK!! (a tensed mind definitely results in a tensed body)
My shoulders were about to run off from my body (or i could be the next Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Who on Earth advised me to become a developer?? If i were a photographer instead, i would be out enjoying the rain (yes, it was an awesome rainy day outside) & not stuck here with this erroneous code. If only i could find that person who dragged me in this field, I'd skin him alive...(oh wait, it was me myself...take my words back)

There was only 1 thing left to do...yes, worshipping the program to spare me the horror & reveal the Hidden Bug to me.
Now how do you worship a program?? (fingers scrolling the page up & down)
*blank* (fingers scrolling the page up & down)
OK that won't work...let's think of something else (fingers scrolling the page up & down)
*click*
i accidentally clicked at a line & the world was enlightened again...the dark clouds were gone...the sun was shining...the birds were singing
no wait, not outside...in my heart
I FOUND THE BUG
Yippee!!!
You Rock Man!!
with watery eyes, i kissed my hand that clicked the right spot & went back to work.

When someone asks me what i develop...

I hate going to social gatherings.
Meeting new people is on the top of "Things i Hate doing the MOST!!"...especially if it includes old people.

You must be wondering i am a loner or some kind of a freak who doesn't like having friends around him. Some of you might think i have attitude problems. Some of you must be picturing me as a short snobby millionaire; grey hair standing on the edges on my ear; spectacles sitting on the far edge on my nose; a derby hat on my head (tilted to one side); one hand tucked inside my pocket; a cane in the other hand; a fierce frown on my face; sitting on piles of money (like Scrooge Mc'Duck).

In reality, i am not at all like that...i'm just a DEVELOPER...a plain ol' developer!!
Really?? A developer hating anything besides coding and computer screen...you're a weird man!!

Actually, you're not getting the point here...
You see, when i go to gatherings or when i meet new people, i always end up being interviewed by the humans walking around me (well yeah, i don't think we developers are considered humans any more). Along with all other sorts of questions, 1 very basic question that everyone NEVER seems to forget asking is:
What do you Do?
Me: I'm a developer
What do you develop?
& i go *blank*

I mean what sort of question is this? I said am a developer...right?? Don't you know what do developers do?? They develop...I am a developer...so i develop...What's so hard to understand??

I tried answering it once to daddy's old friend
Me: I develop softwares (followed by a fake smile)
What's a software??
...
& i felt like hitting him so hard on the head that he forgets his monocle is to be placed over his eye and his pipe in his mouth...(Grrrrrr!!)
i tried to remember the definition of a software from my school times but in vain (yeahhh you got it right...i wasn't the high achiever of the batch).

Me: It's what makes a computer run...(no wait, that's the operating system)
It's what we run on computers...u know the applications & stuff
Applications?? We used to write applications on papers back in our days & there were no developers writing them for us, how things have changed now... (& here goes another long story of how things were back in their times)
Aaarrrgghhh!! Give me a break old man!!

So, you see people who don't know anything about this ask questions that makes no sense & either i end up getting lectured about the generation gaps or they all think i'm lying as i don't know the answers to the very basic questions even.

Is it my fault that they don't know what developers develop?? Or what's a software?? Or what applications run on computers??
I am a developer & I develop!!
THE END

Anti-Social Life - A Developer's Biography

I am a DEVELOPER!!
There i was
Sitting on the high throne...
My people standing in front of me...
Waiting for the moment.
Finally,
The Chief appeared
A shining gold crown over his head.
Everybody stood up as he took the crown in his hand
&
Moved forward to place it on my head
&....


TRRRRIINGGG!! I woke up with a judder. My alarm clock brought me back from wonderland.
Maaan!! i was about to be crowned as the king & this alarm clock...curses!!

I fell back on my pillow & closed my eyes as if that dream would re-start from where my stupid alarm clock broke the flow.
I dozed off without realizing it & woke up again to find that i was half-hour late for work.
I jumped up, got dressed & hurried downstairs. I gulped down a glass of water & rushed outside. I drove to office as fast as i could without caring about my speed or the vehicles around me. Once there, i apologized for my being late and went straight to my cell (it was looking like one at that time).

It wasn't long before my mobile started ringing. It was a friend of mine. I ignored and went back to glaring at the screen in front of me; but the ringing never stopped. Unwillingly, i answered it & OH MY GOD!! it was my best friend's birthday today & they were all at his place, waiting for ME!!

I felt like ripping my head apart. I didn't even wish him last night & here i am again stuck in this cell...GOD!! what did i do to deserve this imprisoned life??
With a heart, heavier than the weight of my office building itself, i told them i couldn't join them & put down the phone. I knew my best friend would be more furious than a Bengal Tiger or maybe a Tiger Shark even.
I gave a desolate look at the metallic window in front of me. I felt like a prisoner sentenced to life-imprisonment...or maybe a metallic robot like that in front of me...or maybe a bird in a cage...or maybe a flower pressed inside an old book for ages...or maybe...i don't know!! (i would have started crying if my Project Manager wasn't around me or if it wouldn't have been for the security camera over my head).

Oh how i wished to go back to my student life; when life was all fun & frolics.
Getting late only meant a few missed notes which can be copied any time from a friend. Here, the risk is losing your job & your greens (money).
Back in those days, i used to lie to avoid attending a family dinner & now, how i desperately want to be there, but i can't because some code of mine seems to be in an infinite loop.
Fighting brothers & a nagging little sister seemed so annoying back then but how i miss not even seeing them for days because some database is not getting integrated.
Staying up late was only for movies with friends or late-night hangouts with buddies; now it's only to meet deadlines.

Long story short
Coding & debugging is what i
Eat
Drink
Breath
Sleep
Dream
Live
Befriend
Hang out with
Spend time with....
(& the list goes on & on)

I am a DEVELOPER!!