Curses upon QA Analyst

What!! I told him thrice to get rid of this line... How on Earth can i make him understand??


My mind was racing at 120 mph...My temper reaching to a limit of 220 degree Fahrenheit (i was a volcano, about to erupt).
Sometimes, i think they do this on purpose...just to annoy me...make my life more miserable
& why
Because i find mistakes with their work.

Yes, i am a QA Analyst!!
I don't know why i ended up being one...well no, i think it was what i always wanted to be...but this was not how i imagined life (it was a fairytale).

Back when i was a student, i used to hear so much about QA vs. Developers & i used to think that i won't follow their footsteps...i'll be nice to everyone...& friendly...my development team won't hate me...they'd love the way i'll help them...i'll deal with the issues nicely......(blah!! blah!! big dreams)

But once i began my work, i found that when they say "Life is not a Bed of Roses" they really LITERALLY mean it. No doubt i enjoy my work, but it can get on your nerves when you have to check the same thing for over a thousand times (not really thousand, but you feel like it's that much).

Let's take my current situation for example, this developer...i don't know what language he understands....i asked him to remove a line, a single line from a page...once...twice...thrice...but he, somehow, keeps on forgetting. I've tried everything, reminders, messages, to-dos, alarms...nothing can make him remember (i even thought about tying a string to his finger..or maybe around his neck so he remembers it with every single breath he takes).

And this other project, is nothing but a nightmare (that i encounter during the day). I found a particular mistake, i highlighted it on one the pages and asked it to be modified, assuming that all the other pages will be corrected too...but the next time i re-checked it, i realized that maybe i was expecting the other person to be a bit too much intelligent to figure out my assumption on his own.

So, here i am checking & re-checking & re-checking again for the same things I've checked a million times before & I've pointed a billion times before..
But
All i get in return is not the corrections but curses from the developers for not appreciating their days of hard work and finding lists and lists of errors and bugs and mistakes and faults!!
They can never see the days of hard work I've spent to make their days of hard work look and function perfectly.....

Website Development - The Future - Our Future

People often ask us what we do

We say, "We develop websites.."

The next question, "Why websites...when you have a whole lot of other things to develop/build/construct"

The answer to this question is very complicated yet very simple, very elaborated yet very concise, very close to reality yet very philosophical.

In today's era there are people who are not aware of computers or internet or other technical gadgets and stuff. But if we take in account the younger generation today, their everyday tasks begin and end on technology. Now, they are the ones who hold the future.

Believe it or not, our future pioneers are getting used to the usage of gadgets for almost everything they do. So, keeping that in mind, we can clearly state that the future of the world totally resides on the world wide web. These websites that are just another means of communication and advertisement now days will clearly become the ONLY means of business in the near future.

Tell me how many times have you bought something just by seeing an advertisement over the television/radio or by reading about it in some newspaper/magazine or by hearing from your mates that this thing is good?

OR

How many times have you made deals with people you heard or read about via the above mentioned sources?

Of course, none!!

Somehow, we are now used to trust things only if we can find enough information about them over the internet or find their website for the better.

So, the websites we develop are the only important things that our upcoming generation will be inheriting from us. By making them better & efficient, we are setting up a good example for our future pioneers.

People who say websites are a waste of time; a time which according to them can be utilized in devising up an even better business or marketing strategy, should know that if they go against this flow, all their brilliant strategies & plans will be a wastage of time for their heirs.

That's why we develop website...so we can give something to the future...so we can make an impact on the future...so we can leave our mark in the future!!

My Incomplete Code...

It all began on a stormy night. I was alone in the house...my house...dark house (there was a power failure). Sitting by the window, staring out at the falling drops of water...the sky was crying (yeah, it was raining). Every now & then there would be a lightening flash, casting terrifying shadows over the streets & my window pane. The wind WHOOSHed & SWISHed against the pane as if trying to get in the room forcefully.

KNOCK!! KNOCK!! a tree bark tapped on the window. I ignored
KNOCK!! KNOCK!! it tapped again & again & again

KNOCK!! KNOCK!! KNOCK!! KNOCK!! KNOCK!! KNOCK!!

Aargh!! i moved forward & opened the window clutch.

WHAM!! the panes blew & crashed against the sides.
A strong gush of wind went through me & SLAM!! the room's door was slammed shut. Within a second, my face was covered in little cold droplets of water carried by the strong winds. I felt a cold shiver run down my spine.

I laid back in my bed, staring out at the grey wild cloud-lets (little bits of clouds) skiing across the black background. The wind playing with my hair...rain droplets trickling down my face every now & then...i closed my eyes.

CREAK!! went the flooring of my room.
There's nobody in the house except me, who's walking around, questioned my mind. I opened my eyes & sat up. No one!!
Well, that's strange...i heard someone for sure.

I turned my head to the right & my eyes were dazzled by a sudden light...my laptop screen. I turned it off...didn't i?? Yes i did...who could possibly turn it on?? Are my folks back??
I called out to my younger brother...*silence*
I called louder...*silence*
Nope, he ain't back yet...then who??

I got up & walked to the laptop desk. My project file was open (the one i was ignoring working on for so many days now). But strangely, the code was removed. It was a blank page staring back at me.
Ctrl+Z Ctrl+Z...nothing happened
Oh please don't tell me...all my work...my hard work...my efforts...how could this be...who could have done this...it was here...i wrote it...what could have gone wrong......

SLAM!! went the open window pane.
I rushed over to the window. The culprit must have entered from the open window. I tried to look through the heavy rain for a moving figure somewhere outside...nothing.
That could mean only one thing...i was not alone in the house any more...whoever did that to my code was still inside.

I closed the window & looked around for some kind of defense weapon to hold on to (if someone was daring enough to destroy my project, he could for sure be on a mission to destroy me too). I found my brother's baseball bat & thought it would do for now.

Carefully, i moved across the room, opened the door & peered out in the gloomy corridor. It was hard to see even, how can someone walk through it??

I was gathering courage to go out of the room when CREAK!! went the floor behind me. Suddenly, it dawned upon me, if the person would have moved out, i would have heard the door getting open...means that he was still in the room & (CRASH!! another lightning strike made shadows on the corridor wall) was most probably standing right behind me.

I closed my eyes, said a silent prayer, turned & smacked the bat with all my might on the person. My bat sliced thin air only. Surprised, i opened my eyes & WOAHHH!! i nearly had a heart attack.

An alien...green...slimy...blubbery...
& wait, what's this...
Oh My GOD!! This can't be...it had a skin made out of my code...
My code has become alive
I opened my mouth to shout & 2 long tentacles made out of for loop covered my mouth & then my throat...choking me...
I was losing conscious...
Fainting...
Need...
to.....
get...
free..
of...
the......
code
.......................
& i died!!

(What?? My incomplete code killed me without any trace for the police to find the murderer...that's it...end of story...go complete your incomplete codes before you end up being deprived of your life from their hands)

Let's Change the World!!

You know we developers have the ability to change the world that you live in...wondering how...well, it's simple, by our developments.

Now you must be thinking that our developments are not even impactful enough to change our office environment (where we are tortured day & night), how on Earth can they possibly change the face of the world (underestimating us...hmm??). Let's take a quick tour of our access range:

Let us begin with the areas very near & dear to you...how about the little toy you hold in your hand for texting & making calls & gaming etc. etc. (talking about a simple cell phone here). It was us who provided you with all these facilities. Imagine if we hadn't worked on them...texting would still be writing letters...calls would still need a corded phone...games would still be out in the fields (Ha! i can see the color draining from your face).

Moving to the device you are using right now to read this (or earlier versions of computer). We made that happen too. If it wasn't for us, "browsing" wouldn't exist in any dictionary even. Your studies would totally be based on books & old journals & other stuff; your business would still be restricted to local zones or expensive tours (now you're really turning white).

OK let's move a little bit away from you. Take banks now...you know, where you keep your most precious assets. Suppose we devise a system that will transfer all the money in every bank of the world to our personal accounts, then you will be earning & we will be spending...or let us NOT provide you security & anyone can use up the money in your account (wooah, is that sweat on your forehead??). Imagine what will happen to your economy; rather, the world's economy.

Alright, let's go general (I'm sparing you the horrors of knowing every little detail of how you'll suffer if we wouldn't be around). Every little gadget you utilize, every little technological aspect you exploit is there because WE developed it & if it wasn't for us, you'd still be stuck in the stone age (there, felt a little heart-attack??).

So, as i was saying that we developers can change the face of the world you exist in (better not deny me this time). We have the ability, the power, the knowledge, the access, the rights, the tools & the techniques to mold your every day's life in whatever shape we want...
& we soon will someday
OK, I've to get back to my JAVA code (it's due today so changing the world has to wait)
But I'm telling you that we will change the world someday...someday soon!!

When all was lost...

It had been 12 hours now & i still had no clue as to what the problem was. I've checked every possible detail but could not find anything wrong...yet, there was something wrong.

When i started my work today, i had no idea i would be stuck over this; i had planned way ahead of this. I just had a cup of tea in the morning, thinking i'll have an early lunch but it was almost dinner time now & i hadn't eaten a bite all day long. My stomach was, instead, occupied with knots...anxiety knots.

What could have possibly gone wrong?? I had worked very carefully (was i that much sleepy last night to goof something up...no i don't think so...i was up for only 62 hours then...not a big deal).

I checked
& thought
& searched
& re-checked
& re-thought
& re-searched
but in vain...

Lord!! Help me pleeeeease...
My mind was an about-to-erupt-volcano (when you put in too much...it eventually comes out)
My eyes were ready to pop out of the sockets (i was literally licking the screen with my eye balls)
My index finger was about to be divided by 2 (scrolling the mouse up & down...it felt like i could never move my finger again)
My neck was about to CREAK!! & CRACK!! (a tensed mind definitely results in a tensed body)
My shoulders were about to run off from my body (or i could be the next Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Who on Earth advised me to become a developer?? If i were a photographer instead, i would be out enjoying the rain (yes, it was an awesome rainy day outside) & not stuck here with this erroneous code. If only i could find that person who dragged me in this field, I'd skin him alive...(oh wait, it was me myself...take my words back)

There was only 1 thing left to do...yes, worshipping the program to spare me the horror & reveal the Hidden Bug to me.
Now how do you worship a program?? (fingers scrolling the page up & down)
*blank* (fingers scrolling the page up & down)
OK that won't work...let's think of something else (fingers scrolling the page up & down)
*click*
i accidentally clicked at a line & the world was enlightened again...the dark clouds were gone...the sun was shining...the birds were singing
no wait, not outside...in my heart
I FOUND THE BUG
Yippee!!!
You Rock Man!!
with watery eyes, i kissed my hand that clicked the right spot & went back to work.

Make way for a Freelancer!!

Hello everyone!!
My name is Susanne & Michael & Sandra & Alexandra & Tom & Jerry & Larry & Diana & Charles & Raj & Raja & Rani...tell me any name & it's me...
Because
I AM A FREELANCER!!
I go by any name, at any location...tell me your project & my profile will change accordingly. I don't have a fixed identity, yet i create identifying marks for you (whatever you hire me for adds more to your name...right?).

People think freelancing is not a proper job...the general rule book says if you leave your house at 9am, sit on a desk in a building crowded with people like you, go about getting commands from your boss all day long & come back home at 5pm, only then you have a proper job. Well, i tell you that freelancing is even more a tougher job in itself than the 9 to 5 routine you call a job. Let's see...shall we??

Freelancer - A CEO
I formulate my own rules
I set my own goals
I formulate my own budget
I communicate with the clients
I make decisions based on his requirements & my resources
I promote myself, my-self
I myself take care of my PR

Freelancer - A Project Manager
I formulate my own working strategy
I motivate myself, my-self
I do self-evaluations
I categorize my own tasks
I monitor my own performance
I manage my own projects

Freelancer - A Developer
I write my own code
I test my own code
I find errors in my own work
I update my tools myself
I update my clients myself

Freelancer - A Designer
I make my own designs
I implement my own designs
I ammend my own designs

So, you began by giving job openings in newspapers & websites, then you call for interview, then you ask questions from each & every person, then you select some of them & reject others, then you assign them posts, then you brief them their work & then you begin with your project.
Whatever things you do after formulating a complete team, i do all alone.
I AM A FREELANCER

Color Therapy of Coding

People always feel that coding is tiring. Anything becomes tiring if your brain loses interest in it. So, i've got some facts that might change the way your brain looks at the act of coding.

I've seen developers disliking the variety of colors provided by various platforms while/for writing code as they think it’s distracting & girly (yup, the he-developers); some are very fond of it as they think it makes coding easier, convenient & less boring (she-developers falls in the latter part mostly).

& I’m afraid I agree with the latter team too; it really does makes coding easier and fun. But my purpose of writing this blog is going a little beyond the usual fight of looking good & bad…

Color Therapy is a very well-known method in medicine. Now as they believe that each color has a special impact on human body, so does the developers of those platforms (this is my personal believe).

Now see, as you write a single piece of code, how many impacts it has on your brain

Blue
Dark blue stimulates clear thoughts and light blue calm the mind and aid concentration (you won’t hit your screen in case you are stuck somewhere)

Red
It raises the pulse rate, giving the impression that time is passing faster than it is (you won't even know when it's time to go home)

Green
It gives you rest & makes you feel fresh (you won't go yawning all day long)

Orange
It focuses our minds on comfort level of our body (your body won't go slopping down the working chair)

Black
It communicates absolute clarity, sophitication & uncompromising excellence (you feel like the King of Coding World)

White
It gives a sharp insight of space (no matter how long codes you write, you'll always see room for more lines)

Yellow
It lifts our spirits & confidence; it makes us hopeful (you won't shut everything down if your solution is not working)

So you see, colors are good & if coding is bad then we all know that in the fight between good & bad, the good will always win
So cheers!!
HaPPy CoDinG!!

The Storms in the Brain => Brainstorming

When we sit down to write something...anything...usually we go blank (just as the white paper/screen in front of us). A very common approach in such a situation is “OK, let's start writing & see what we end up with!!” (Developers following this technique create “masterpieces”…you know what I mean!!) & we end up with feeling more lost than we actually were in the beginning.

So, there’s a problem here…
You ask someone what to do now & they say, “Do some brainstorming” (what on earth is that??)

That little compartment GOD has made on top of your body (yes I’m referring to your head) contains something squishy & slimy; like flexible pipes twirled & twisted on top of each other…that is called a Brain & it helps you think (bet you didn’t know that). So, when you sit down to think, you’re actually poking your brain to tell you the answer to your problem (you are lazy enough to do anything yourself *sigh*). So now, your brain needs to think (yeah, I think a brain can think).

& you know what a Storm is…right?? Violent winds, thunders, lightening, heavy rains etc. etc.

So, does that mean you need rainfalls and hurricanes in your brain to get any idea? No silly, that is not happening!!

But if you want you can relate the natural storms with the storm in your brain… (See how the storm sounds relate to the brain process):

• BOOM – an idea pops
• CRASH – irrelevant point
• SWOOSH – no that won't look good
• CRACK – this looks perfect
• SPARK – yup, that matches
• DRIP DRIP – this point is relevant & ooo that too

When we get atmospheric storms, what do they result in? A clean & fresh environment, sparkling flowers, pleasant winds etc. (let’s ignore the destructive part for now *hehehe*)
So, the “storm” part in Brain-Storming also refers to the after effects of the storm i.e. when you are done with it, you get mesmerizing & energetic ideas.

It's a healthy exercise

• It tells you your brain still lives & functions (believe me I’ve seen people living without one)
• It gives you a chance to explore & re-explore your brain to the last inch (you don’t want to lose a part of your brain by not using it – Lamarck’s Theory of Inheritance of Acquired Characteristics)

Now, the next time someone asks you to brainstorm, you know how to do it (avoid making the storm sounds if you can please!!).

When someone asks me what i develop...

I hate going to social gatherings.
Meeting new people is on the top of "Things i Hate doing the MOST!!"...especially if it includes old people.

You must be wondering i am a loner or some kind of a freak who doesn't like having friends around him. Some of you might think i have attitude problems. Some of you must be picturing me as a short snobby millionaire; grey hair standing on the edges on my ear; spectacles sitting on the far edge on my nose; a derby hat on my head (tilted to one side); one hand tucked inside my pocket; a cane in the other hand; a fierce frown on my face; sitting on piles of money (like Scrooge Mc'Duck).

In reality, i am not at all like that...i'm just a DEVELOPER...a plain ol' developer!!
Really?? A developer hating anything besides coding and computer screen...you're a weird man!!

Actually, you're not getting the point here...
You see, when i go to gatherings or when i meet new people, i always end up being interviewed by the humans walking around me (well yeah, i don't think we developers are considered humans any more). Along with all other sorts of questions, 1 very basic question that everyone NEVER seems to forget asking is:
What do you Do?
Me: I'm a developer
What do you develop?
& i go *blank*

I mean what sort of question is this? I said am a developer...right?? Don't you know what do developers do?? They develop...I am a developer...so i develop...What's so hard to understand??

I tried answering it once to daddy's old friend
Me: I develop softwares (followed by a fake smile)
What's a software??
...
& i felt like hitting him so hard on the head that he forgets his monocle is to be placed over his eye and his pipe in his mouth...(Grrrrrr!!)
i tried to remember the definition of a software from my school times but in vain (yeahhh you got it right...i wasn't the high achiever of the batch).

Me: It's what makes a computer run...(no wait, that's the operating system)
It's what we run on computers...u know the applications & stuff
Applications?? We used to write applications on papers back in our days & there were no developers writing them for us, how things have changed now... (& here goes another long story of how things were back in their times)
Aaarrrgghhh!! Give me a break old man!!

So, you see people who don't know anything about this ask questions that makes no sense & either i end up getting lectured about the generation gaps or they all think i'm lying as i don't know the answers to the very basic questions even.

Is it my fault that they don't know what developers develop?? Or what's a software?? Or what applications run on computers??
I am a developer & I develop!!
THE END

Anti-Social Life - A Developer's Biography

I am a DEVELOPER!!
There i was
Sitting on the high throne...
My people standing in front of me...
Waiting for the moment.
Finally,
The Chief appeared
A shining gold crown over his head.
Everybody stood up as he took the crown in his hand
&
Moved forward to place it on my head
&....


TRRRRIINGGG!! I woke up with a judder. My alarm clock brought me back from wonderland.
Maaan!! i was about to be crowned as the king & this alarm clock...curses!!

I fell back on my pillow & closed my eyes as if that dream would re-start from where my stupid alarm clock broke the flow.
I dozed off without realizing it & woke up again to find that i was half-hour late for work.
I jumped up, got dressed & hurried downstairs. I gulped down a glass of water & rushed outside. I drove to office as fast as i could without caring about my speed or the vehicles around me. Once there, i apologized for my being late and went straight to my cell (it was looking like one at that time).

It wasn't long before my mobile started ringing. It was a friend of mine. I ignored and went back to glaring at the screen in front of me; but the ringing never stopped. Unwillingly, i answered it & OH MY GOD!! it was my best friend's birthday today & they were all at his place, waiting for ME!!

I felt like ripping my head apart. I didn't even wish him last night & here i am again stuck in this cell...GOD!! what did i do to deserve this imprisoned life??
With a heart, heavier than the weight of my office building itself, i told them i couldn't join them & put down the phone. I knew my best friend would be more furious than a Bengal Tiger or maybe a Tiger Shark even.
I gave a desolate look at the metallic window in front of me. I felt like a prisoner sentenced to life-imprisonment...or maybe a metallic robot like that in front of me...or maybe a bird in a cage...or maybe a flower pressed inside an old book for ages...or maybe...i don't know!! (i would have started crying if my Project Manager wasn't around me or if it wouldn't have been for the security camera over my head).

Oh how i wished to go back to my student life; when life was all fun & frolics.
Getting late only meant a few missed notes which can be copied any time from a friend. Here, the risk is losing your job & your greens (money).
Back in those days, i used to lie to avoid attending a family dinner & now, how i desperately want to be there, but i can't because some code of mine seems to be in an infinite loop.
Fighting brothers & a nagging little sister seemed so annoying back then but how i miss not even seeing them for days because some database is not getting integrated.
Staying up late was only for movies with friends or late-night hangouts with buddies; now it's only to meet deadlines.

Long story short
Coding & debugging is what i
Eat
Drink
Breath
Sleep
Dream
Live
Befriend
Hang out with
Spend time with....
(& the list goes on & on)

I am a DEVELOPER!!